Alternate title for blog entry:
The reason the blog hasn’t been updated for so long is not because of a lack of time or desire. My camera is broken, though, and I haven’t taken many pictures except with my super cool new iPhone.
What I really enjoy about the blog is the ability to find the humor in everyday situations and relay them to the five people who actually read it. Either my humor has been lacking or I just haven’t been able to convey my musings on life (and more specifically, parenting.) Fear not, dear readers! The creative spark returned today, and it took a power struggle with a three year old to remind me exactly why I love this blog.
If you haven’t heard of it, there is a book written for parents called “Go the F*#@ to Sleep.” It’s a children’s lullaby book that is not for children at all. The guy who wrote it had the idea come to him after struggling to put his three year old daughter to sleep night after night. As usual, I am a day late and a dollar short. Because if I had the courage to write “Go the F*#@ to Sleep,” I would be a millionaire, and you would be reading my book, not my blog, while a nanny struggled to get Colin to sleep. Even if I had a million dollars and could pay someone to do it, I wouldn’t inflict this pain on another human. It’s not fair to them. This is a punishment reserved only for moms and dads.
Let me set the stage… It’s 8:30 p.m. The children are nestled all snug in their beds.
Colin: “Wwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhh! Moooooommmmmmyyyy!”
Me: Ugh. All I wanted was five minutes to eat some ice cream and read a book ALONE.
(Lovingly) “What is it Colin? What’s the matter, buddy?”
Colin: “I can’t sleep!” (Sniffle, sniffle) “My tummy hurrrrts.” (Doubled over, clutching stomach) “I am hungryyyyyyyyy!”
Me: Well, you ate three pieces of pizza and half of a Rolo’s for dinner. Of course your tummy hurts. Wow! Three pieces of pizza and Rolo’s for dinner? I won’t be winning Mom of the Year Award for that dinner. Note to self: healthy food only tomorrow.
“Colin. You can’t be hungry. Remember all that pizza you ate while we watched Legends of the Guardian, The Owls of Ga’Hoole?”
I thought I would never watch a movie with such a stupid title. I have really lowered my movie standards since becoming a mom.
Colin: “My throat is hurting. I am thirsty. I neeeeeeeed a drink!”
Me: Well played, Colin. If hunger doesn’t work, go for thirst. It’s a soft sell.
“Colin, you aren’t thirsty. Remember when we were brushing your teeth and you stuck your head under the faucet in the sink so you could drink like a Brachiosaurus drinking from a waterfall? You drank for at least two minutes. You got plenty of water.”
Colin: (Sticks two fingers into mouth. Slowly slips them to back of throat. Commence gagging.) “I am sick. I think I am going to throw up!”
Me: Noooooooooo! Do NOT throw up! Aaaahhhhh! It’s not the vomit, it’s all the laundry afterward! I do NOT want to wash these sheets tonight.
( Calmly) “Colin, please don’t make yourself throw up. You aren’t sick. Remember today when you karate chopped Cooper during story time at school? You weren’t sick then.”
Colin: (Coughing) “I am coughing now.” (Cough, cough) “Oh no! I can’t stop coughing. I think I am coughing because…(cough) because… I NEEEEEDDDD you to sleep with me.”
Me: And there it is. Ten minutes into all of these shenanigans, and we finally get to the heart of the matter.
(Dejected, sighing) “Okay, Colin. I will sleep with you.”
Colin: “But you have to take off your shoes and put them by the bed. When you lay down with your shoes on I know you will leave.”
Me: So observant! Sometimes I wish these kids were dumber.
“Don’t worry, Colin. I won’t be leaving anytime soon.”
Colin: “Promise?”
Me: “Promise.”
Forty-five minutes later, I drift off to sleep exhausted and beat down, with Optimus Prime poking me in the ribs and Colin’s legs and feet slung across my upper back. Goodnight, Colin.
Sorry I'm laughing Darcy. But you really should be writing books...this is so funny. Wish I could relieve you occasionally.
Posted by: Granny Sue | July 12, 2011 at 12:58 PM
wonderful wonderful wonderful. So glad you are back and in such fine form. Thank you, Colin, for being so inspiring.
Posted by: Nannie | July 12, 2011 at 09:54 PM
Did you know that if you Googled the book, you can actually watch a You Tube video of a reading by the author himself?! It is even more entertaining. Thank God someone else besides me thought that book was funny. And Colin needs to be signed up with an acting agent asap. There is your fortune!!
Posted by: Jen | July 14, 2011 at 09:00 AM